The less loved wife?
I am not a spokesman for the LDS Church, but I am a member of
it. I would like to introduce this blog post with a disclaimer and an
invitation. First the disclaimer, at times the language that I use to
describe my experience may be confusing or practices that are briefly mentioned
need more detail. I am happy to answer questions if you choose to submit them,
or you can visit Lds.org and Mormon.org to find out more about my faith. Lastly
the invitation, if you know someone that needs to here this message please
share this post with them.
As a student of the scriptures I intensely studied the book of
the Old Testament. Some of the Biblical accounts that were of great interest to
me were of plural marriage. Plural marriages were much different at that time
than the brief period of time that it was lived in our own history because
biblical accounts show a societal caste system. There were handmaids who were
of lesser social standing and would bear children to their mistress who was a
full-covenant wife. This was a recipe for all sorts of human drama. Even among
these covenant women of the same social standing there was earthly inequality,
jealousy, pride and favoritism. These marriages were marriages formed in
mortality and being mortals they have human frailty. While their marriage was
different the purpose of all marriages was the same. Marriages are to work
towards a celestial state where there was no inequality, pride, favoritism or
jealousy. I suppose my interest in their stories was my first
preparation for the marriage that one day I would be a part of. I am a faithful
Latter-day Saint married to a widower for all time and eternity. I hold the
non-coveted and even feared position of most married woman in the Latter-day
Saint community; I am a sealed 2nd wife. So why am I okay with
it? I would love to share with you my struggle with and faith in this principle
and share my experience of how I was able to make the choice to be in the
marriage I am in today and plan to be in forever.
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I
hold firmly to the beliefs of our Church that marriage does not end in death
but lasts for eternity. I was 36 years old and I made this decision to marry a
widower with faith, understanding and complete trust in my Father-in-Heaven’s
plan for me. Since the Church ended the practice of Polygamy over a century ago
the only marriages that can have this element happen in the afterlife. Our
history is rich with examples of those who were asked to live this way while in
mortality. They are not all good examples of what marriage will be like
when we have reached the point where we are perfected and new creatures in
Christ forever changed by his atonement. They do give a very true look at what
the practice was like who were dealing with human weakness. From my experience
in Religious Education and Church service I would say most members look upon
their ancestors who lived this practice with reverential horror. The only
reason why I don’t feel that way is because I have felt of God’s love for me
and I know he only seeks the best for me and that truth is not independent upon
any one principle of the gospel it is dependent on all true gospel principles
and doctrines. I have also prayerfully sought for an understanding of eternal
marriage. I have come to understand in those quiet and reflective moments that
for Cici and I our lives required something different in order to perform the
work that we needed to perform while on the Earth. We as Latter-day Saints
believe that we lived long before we came to Earth and that we will live an
eternity after. Because we do not remember our life before and we cannot see
what our life will be after this mortal testing time, we must ultimately trust
God and follow His spirit to accomplish what we need to accomplish here.
After I served an LDS mission I felt more prepared for an
eternal marriage which I saw as the next logical step in life. The Lord had
other plans for my life and looking back I can see the wisdom and generosity in
which he gently helped me to gain greater blessings than I could have ever
anticipated. I led a rich single life filled with amazing people who have
changed me for the better. I worked as a trainer of missionaries for 2 ½ years
before becoming a full-time seminary teacher, which position I held for 10
years. While I was blessed in my employment there was always heartache when it
came to relationships. Please allow me to flash back to my 24th year
while working as a missionary trainer when my dreams of marriage were dashed
for the first but not the last time. I had hoped for a friendship to develop
into something more and I could remember praying to my Heavenly Father that
perhaps this man was a good choice. I had been given the answer in
prayer that the man whom I had hoped to marry was a choice that God approved
of, but alas it was not meant to be. I approved of his choice in marriage, and
inside I knew that God would make this disappointment up to me.
I will save you all the gory details of the three more hopeless
romances that I recounted for my General Authority worthiness interview to be
hired as a full-time seminary teacher, but I will tell you this, one of the
young men that I hoped to marry actually hoped back for a time and even asked
me to marry him. That engagement ended shortly after it was made and
broke my heart. I prayed to heal and not to become a part of the ever growing
group of the bitterly disappointed. I sought for direction from Heaven and read
my scriptures diligently. Teaching the scriptures everyday was also a blessing
and sometimes answers my prayers would come as I sought to help my class
understand the gospel. Some of my friends were helpful too and approached me
with new perspectives that helped me see that perhaps I could make a better
match for me. One such friend was Cici, my husband’s first wife. She thought
this young man was a little young for me and didn’t seem very excited when we
were dating. This helped me to adjust my thinking when I looked back on the
experience and see that I was getting a lot of signals that this wasn’t right,
but I just wanted to be married so much it was clouding out these more subtle
helps. This last experience may spark your curiosity so I will just tell you, I
knew my husband and his first wife for six years before I would become a part
of that family. Looking back on this I see it as such a tender mercy. I was
able to know my friend Cici and come to care for her family before I even knew
I would be a part of it.
2. Choosing a Marriage with an Eternal Plural Connection
At 36 I was starting to feel a little old and rejected when it
came to the whole marriage thing. I was dating a man in all worldly measurement
was the “perfect catch.” He was a tall, had all his own hair, as he described
himself, and he was rich. Most women must of thought I was crazy not to marry
this model, yep he really he was a model, and take trips to his
little cottage in Switzerland. Something just didn’t feel right as we
dated. We got a long great and I could feel myself falling for him.
The closer I came to making the choice the more dark I felt inside. In looking
back on the experience I can see clearly now that all of my disappointments and
research I did with the doctrine of my faith was leading me to the point where
I would be unable to accept the marriage prospect I currently had and be able
to accept in faith the marriage that was approaching. Believing these truths I
was understanding more deeply was making me different. What I
believed was also changing how I saw life in general. I had
become more confident in my ability to feel and recognize when God was leading
me. This in turn gave me more confidence in just trusting that feeling. I
felt good about letting go of old attitudes that, while socially acceptable,
were not in alignment with where my life’s direction needed to go.
It was during this time of great confusion I experienced
while seeking to know if I should marry this man that my friend Cici faithfully
finished her battle with cancer and passed away. Cici was and is a beloved woman.
She touched so many hearts with her quiet and strong devotion. When her sweet
son told me of her passing I couldn’t help crying. I admired and loved her. Her
husband was also my friend and I felt keenly for him in his agony. As I went
home that night contemplating whether or not to marry the man I was currently
dating mixed with the tender emotions of losing my friend I heard clearly in a
voice that was unmistakably Cici’s, “You can marry Guy.”
Now some of you don’t believe in angels. Let me testify to you,
angels exist. I prayed to know if this experience was from God directly after
it happened because I was a little disturbed by the message. I also knew that
emotion can cloud out inspiration from heaven. I knew that prayer
was what I needed to do because of countless prior experiences. Prayer always
helped when I was confused and needed God’s direction and help. I ask God if
that experience I had was from him. I was confident that he would tell me
through the Holy Ghost if it was. I was given a confirming witness from the
spirit of God that it was. It was so real yet seemed so strange. I have also
found that strange to me is quite normal for God. I recollected that it was not
unlike when God sends angels in scripture. They come to give a loving message
of faith and repentance and usually shocked and even frighten those they appear
to. I think of the Shepherds in the field at the time of Christ birth. They
beheld an angel and were very fearful yet the angel told them not to be afraid.
This experience happened a few days before her funeral, which I
attended. As I was there I wept for my friend and her grieving
family. I prayed… “If there was anything I could do to ease their
suffering please let me know and I would do it”. I hugged my friend,
her husband, and her sweet son. During the services they played a recording of
Cici’s son’s testimony who was at that time faithfully serving a LDS mission.
It was all I could do to handle the emotion and feelings of the spirit that
were so powerful and I cried even harder. The bitter sweet experiences of
celebrating a life of faith and devotion was all I could handle, I couldn’t
even attend the graveside burial I was so overwhelmed with emotion. THERE WAS
ONE THING I UNDERSTOOD THROUGH THE SPIRIT, I left knowing that Guy was the kind
of man I needed to marry.
3. The Courage to Listen and Follow God’s Direction
With all I knew and had experienced, it seems silly now
looking back on it I decided to keep dating the man I had formed an
attachment with. The heavenly experiences of promptings through the spirit that
were changing my understanding didn’t end and they were helping my heart to
change. I realized through dating the man to whom I hoped to marry that he
wasn’t ready for a temple marriage. Compromising temple marriage or
even putting it off until later was not an option I could take. I had been told
in my patriarchal blessing, which is personal counsel given through a
priesthood ordinance that I needed to choose a man that loved the Lord and
would take me to the temple. The line from my blessing had kept me single more
than once so it was not surprising that it would happen again. Now I was much
more humble and willing to submit whatever the Lord was bringing into my
life. There was something wonderful in surrendering my will to the
Lord. I felt like everything would be fine and better than I could imagine.
Little did I know that my now husband was also having heavenly experiences that
led him to call me. He asked if he could call me again. It was important that
he came when he did, even though doing so gave him quite a bit to deal with in
his family relationships, I am so proud of him for
coming. Him coming at the time he did gave me the
ability to let go of the hope I had carried for the wrong man and get my head
on straight.
During the first week we spoke on the phone and began to get the
courage to divulge some of our heavenly experiences with angels and dreams to
one another. It was quite apparent to us that we were a part of a “Heavenly
Arranged Marriage.” This seems strange … since our culture where that is not
the norm… and it felt uncomfortable. It also may seem like we had no choice in
the matter, but we did. We had the choice to follow the Lord will or not. I was
ready to follow this course and it felt right. We both had a desire to be
faithful to whatever the Lord required of us because we knew he had the power
to do more with our lives than we could without his help. By the end of the
week of phone conversations we had unofficially decided to marry all
before the first date! The speed at which this occurred looked suspicious
to anyone who didn't know our character and were not privy to the spiritual
experiences we had. Our engagement and subsequent marriage was a seed bed for
suspicion and rumors. Another thing that was different than I had not
anticipated was the newness of our affection. Our marriage didn't begin
without any love or attraction. Our love was a young and friendship based
love, there were beginnings of attraction that most people have in the
beginning of a courtship.
Due to intense grieving and doubt there were times that both of
us were ready to back out of the engagement. My poor husband was grieving
deeply for his Cici and I was overwhelmed with the thought of much more than I
anticipated in the thought of getting married. Not to mention I was diagnosed
with a chronic illness that interrupted my career prematurely. "When it
rains it pours" is I believe the statement best describing my
environment, but every time I prayed there was peace. Miraculously we
were even supported by close and tender family and friends. I remember one
friend Robin upon hearing the news was immediately supportive. She felt the
spirit of it instantly and even added, and there is a child waiting. (This is a
common way of saying in our faith that you have children who are waiting to
come to earth, not that I was pregnant.) She not only confirmed our experience
we had shared with her she also confirmed one we hadn't shared yet. This was
very comforting to us. As for the family, my side of the family was much more
eager for the match to take place, I believe that was partly because
for two years or more my family fasted for me every month. They fasted for
the blessings that I needed to come into my life to come and when they did they
had already gained the spiritual insights they needed to accept the match. My
husband’s family on the other hand had very little time to adjust and their
worries and concerns were well founded. But heaven again came through in answer
to my prayers and our families supported us and attended our sealing in the
Temple.
4. Bringing the family together…Our First Year
I thought the hardest things were over. I was now married!
Anyone who is married knows I was only at the beginning of the trials. There
was no happily ever after when we married. There were fears and doubts and
misunderstandings that needed to be worked out. All of our challenges were
compounded by the speed of our courtship and insecurity we both felt in our new
marriage. They were also complicated with many other stresses of moving
our home, huge medical expenses, building up the my husband's acupuncture clinic, strained
family relationships, I had to go on disability and quit teaching, my
grandfather passed away and more but I am going to stop now. We were busy
preparing for Christmas and a missionary coming home to our new family which
occupied our time. Why we were able to pull through these difficulties was
because we didn’t make this decision lightly nor did we esteem our covenants we
made before God to be a light matter. There was also sweet and gentle help that
came from God in the form of his servants both angels on earth, or mortal
angels, and angels from heaven. Often times we could feel Cici there and we
knew she was sent from a loving Heavenly Father who heard our pleas for help.
The comfort and following the counsel we received got us through all the hard
times. I was constantly encouraged and given a heavenly light to guide what I
was to do.
The first year was the hardest. We moved into the family home
with the boys, who were actually grown men. It was both bitter and sweet. Every
hall and room had a memory of Cici and my presence was a painful reminder of
their loss. I had learned a valuable lesson years earlier from my dear friend
Nancy. Nancy had lost both her parents in her youth. She said when he
step-father remarried his new wife, her step-mom, took down the pictures of her
mother. This made my friend feel like her mother died all over again.
I was so moved by her experience I had decided when I heard that experience I
could never do that to anyone. I committed that if I ever had the chance I
would respect the children’s grief and the loved one who had passed on.
Shocking to me this opportunity arose. There was no decision that
needed to be made. I knew just what to do.
I decided that wherever possible I would leave the house like
Cici had left it. We even set up a glass display cabinet that became what we
called a “memory box” that contained some of her cherished belongings, family
photos, awards and such. This insured that there would always be a place in our
home where Cici was honored and remembered. We gathered her belongings and
preserved those we would want to give to her grandchildren and thought of ways
we could teach them about her life. We have a beautiful little trunk all
prepared. This will also be important for all the additions to the family to
get to know her as well. This memorializing did present some difficulties for my
family of origin, since this was done before my picture was up, I just tried to
help them understand that my husband and sons needed time to grieve and I was
seeking to help them grieve and bring our fractured family together.
I think another thing that was really hard for my grieving
family was every holiday was such a keen reminder to the family they once had
which was never going to be the same again. Everyone carried their grief in
losing Cici differently and I tried to be understanding and not take things
personally, although sometimes in my heart I felt overlooked and misunderstood.
One such experience was not in our first year, but rather the 2nd Mother’s
day, my first real Mother’s day. I had waited 37 years to have a child so to me
this was a big deal. There was still so much grief for the mother
that was lost on that day for my family I felt forgotten. What
should have been one of the happiest days was one of the saddest. I did my best
to forget myself and go to work. It was nice to be remembered that day by my
family of origin. They really helped so much by being excited and happy for me.
We continued to work to help our little family come together.
Another choice my husband and I made through counseling with each other was to
carry on the traditions and favorite family dishes. I just did
everything I could to make matters better, but it didn’t always work. I learned
that I couldn’t always make things better but I could love them during the
pain. I am so thankful now that I followed the Spirit’s direction. I know that
is because of my Savior’s sacrifice for us that we overcame all the difficulty
we were experiencing, we only needed to be willing to exercise our faith in
patience and prayer.
5. Universal Truths We are Learning from Living in an Eternal
Marriage with a Plural Connection
Now we look at all that we have experienced together and the
trials that have strengthened our faith. There is a deepening sweetness in our
relationship and we are now stepping out of the darkness and grief we were
encompassed by in the beginning of our marriage. The spirit and love
in our home has brought healing to our hearts. We have also had two sweet
additions to our family, our baby boy born 5 days before our 1st wedding
anniversary and a lovely daughter-in-law who came the next year. Our
understanding has grown and with that the pain of the former days are fading.
The lessons that we have learned have left us forever changed. I am beginning
to see even more today why my husband was the best and only man for me. Now
there is a deeper love where there was once insecurity. I know that all the
darkness this world has to offer is only temporary trial. I know
that the spirit of the Lord leads us to greater happiness, but the path of
greater happiness is not the path with the easiest life. I have come to know my
Heavenly Father and Savior in a way that I could have ever known them through
these challenges and I have come to trust more fervently in the Spirit’s
promptings. The family that felt uncomfortable and awkward when we gathered
together now feels loving and happy. The mourning for Cici hasn’t ended but
there is now a greater atmosphere of love and trust to handle it. God lives.
There is nothing to hard for the Lord. He can and always will be there for us.
These things I know;
1. Trials provide what is needed to strengthen our faith in Christ.
2. Love deepens and grows with time and faithful effort.
3. Grief will heal and open us to greater joy.
4. God has given us families to help us come to understand him and
what we can become.
5. Perfect love casts out fear.
6. Our mortal experience is temporary. One day we will rest from
affliction,.
7. The Spirit of the Lord will always lead us as we choose to
follow God in righteousness.
8. Greater happiness does not mean having an easy life.
9. Loving and teaching correct principles to our families provides
a perfect environment to become our best selves.
10. Because
of the tender watch care of the Lord we can mourn and be happy at the same
time.
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